Lady Chatterley’s Lover: Netflix Throws Another Book On The Bonfire

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another classic work of British literature is given the Netflix treatment and soiled.

Netflix and for that matter most non-British production studios just can’t ever seem to get right the very British sentiment behind these books, be it this or the works of Jane Austen, the themes and ideas that in many senses are timeless. So what do they do instead? They do what all hacks do they modernise, they take something timeless and they date it in the current year, they make yet another Bridgeton which some people like sure but that is also a million miles away from the spirit of the text.

The central romance, if you can call it that, is incredibly stunted and at times just plain awkward, it is fairly clear neither of the leads have any chemistry with the other, or even seem to like each other, and all of the forced romance scenes comes across as incredibly cold, emotionless and a little silly. I would say of the two Emma Corin has the far worse showing, with this and My Policeman really starting to make me question how they were ever able to get into acting in the first place as they clearly lack talent. A rich parent is probably the answer.

Overall, Netflix needs to realise that they can only push their Bridgeton esque pap so far.

1/5

Pros.

I’m struggling

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the spirit of the text at all

The romance is awkward and cringe

The leads have no chemistry

It is boring and a slog to watch

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Your Christmas Or Mine: Whoever Wrote This Doesn’t Understand England As Country Or How People Interact

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After parting at Christmas a young couple decide to surprise each other by getting onto the other’s train, but are then both surprised when the other isn’t there and has to spend Christmas with their families.

I found this film infuriating, the writing is so damn poor that any chance it ever had of being a new Christmas based rom-com to be remembered for years to come is quickly squandered in the first few minutes. The fact that it takes them a long time to even have the character explain the mix up to their other halves’ family and until that point just has them be a stranger in the household that no one questions is baffling.

Asa Butterfield does make for a likeable lead but the rest of the cast are either miscast, going through the motions or are non-entities, what is really shocking is how the film wastes some veteran performers as well.

The central romance is fairly weak and all the trials and tribulations the pair have to go through are nothing you haven’t seen done better before.

Overall, an incredibly poorly written Christmas rom-com.

Pros.

Butterfield is trying

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The writing is terrible

It wastes some great actors

The wider casting is all wrong

The pace is very much off

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Bones And All: Everything Wrong With Modern Cinema, A YA Film That Thinks Its High Art

0/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young cannibalistic couple travel the US together.

Please if you will listen to just one piece of advice from a stranger on the internet today let it be this, don’t watch this film. It is just a horrible time at the cinema as it imparts the message that life is just terrible and the only way out is by your own hand as everyone you love will disappoint you and those who don’t will be taken away. There is so much darkness in this film that there is just no need for it to exist, the world is already a dark place.

Moreover, the narrative is very smug and self-indulgent thinking itself to be high art when in actual fact it is more closely resembling angst ridden YA fare, this is certainly reflected in the paper thin central romance that feels like it was written by an emo on Tumblr. Worse yet the narrative is self-defeating as the central idea of the film is Maren, played by Taylor Russell, needs to find her place in the world, yet when she finally does at the end of the film it is then taken away and she has to do it all over again showing that there was no point to the whole film.

The film also greatly fetishizes the cannibalism and has it be akin to sex at times, which feels uncomfortable from the off and never really goes away. Speaking of the film has a sex scene between Timothee Chalamet’s Lee and another man and never really addresses it or speaks about it or allows Russell’s Maren to respond to it, it is a very odd inclusion which makes the central romance narrative seem off.

Finally, if this film is seen to be an indicator for upcoming acting talent then I might just hang up my reviewing now and bid farewell to cinema for good as both of the central performances are just awful. Taylor cannot emote for one single second and other than looking shocked once or twice has the same glazed over expression for the whole film and Chalamet plays a cliched wrapped up in an emo phase. When will the internet learn that Chalamet will never be a movie star like those of old because deep down everyone knows he can’t act and that once his legion of lust fans dry up so will his acting roles.

Overall, possibly the worst film of the year.

Pros.

None

Cons.

The film is manically depressing and an unpleasant watch from the outset

It has awful paced and is on for far longer than it needs to be

It is smug and seems to think of itself as high art when in actually it is a bad YA film

The acting is awful all round

It fetishizes cannibalism

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The Royal Nanny: Maybe Megan Markle Was An Intelligence Officer Before Becoming A Royal

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After detecting a threat to the monarchy the British secret service send in Claire, played by Rachel Skarsten, to act as their agent on the inside and of course whilst there she ends up falling in love with a prince, played by Dan Jeannotte.

I enjoyed this for the most part, it wasn’t the best film I have seen all year or even all week for that matter but it was dumb escapist fun and that should count for something. I liked the nonsensical plot that despite that had a very clear ending from the beginning, and I liked that the film didn’t take itself too seriously.

I thought Skarsten was a good lead and was charming enough to carry the film and to pull off the love story. However, the rest of the cast struggled deeply and were either fairly bland in terms of their performance or were so bad at doing the type of English accent they were trying for that it was distracting. Something that wider audience might not have noticed or picked up on but something that a Brit could notice keenly.

Overall, a fun if at times wonky film.

Pros.

Skarsten

The silly plot

The romance is easy to warm to

Cons.

The accents

It is very predictable

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The People We Hate At Weddings: Families Are Messy

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Cynthia Addai-Robinson, invites her estranged family to her wedding. Things very predictably go badly.

I’ll be the first to say this is not the most original film out there, in fact there are a countless number of other films that have a very similar premise and message, however, despite that I still ended up enjoying my time with this film.

The main reason I felt this way was because of the great deal of heart the film can bring to the table when it wants to, moreover each of the central trio of characters and Addai-Robinson’s character are all very easy to relate to and like, they reflect the messy elements of your own personality or that of someone you know. In many senses this film is warm and affordable because it reminds us of the inherent good in the world and how a chance run in with a stranger on a plane might change your whole life, it reminds you of the bonds of family and how though we are all imperfect we need to be there for those we care about and take them as they are. Honestly, in these dark times the optimistic outlook of this film was enough to boost this film up in my opinion.

Bell, Platt, Janney and Addai-Robinson were all great, though I would say the scene stealer and breakout star of the film was Dustin Milligan as he really was a great romantic interest that really seized on the opportunity and potential of his character.

Overall, though it is nothing new in any sense, it was nice and comforting and sometimes that is enough.

Pros.

Bell

Janney, Platt and Addai-Robinson

The warmth

The message of messy families

Cons.

It is quite played out

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Christmas In Toyland: What’s In The Dust?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A data analyst, played by Vanessa Lengies, who dreams of being a toy maker is sent in to investigate why a certain branch of the company she works for is so successful.

This was a slightly above average Christmas rom-com, and within the arena of trash Christmas rom-coms that is high praise indeed. I think the thing that raises this film above average for me is the central romance which does feel warm and genuine and because of that is easy to care about.

In addition I thought there were quite a few funny moments in this film, both intentionally and unintentionally and this made watching it far more enjoyable. There were of course a lot of cliches and well worn tropes in the film and it does seem afraid to do anything new, but that is to be expected with this sort of film.

Overall, this film is an enjoyable enough Christmas rom-com that does bring the feels and hosts a relationship you will end up caring about.

Pros.

The chemistry

Funny moments

It is short

Cons.

It does drag in a few places

It is nothing new, it uses a lot of cliches.

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Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Cottage: Have Yourself A Depressed Christmas

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young man, played by Jared Padalecki, must do all he can to save his families cottage.

So in terms of Christmas films, both good and bad, this is deeply average. Whilst the film certainly is watchable, there is much worse, it is far too cliched to ever be good. The film feels like the most overly sentimental ever produced, to add to that the plot leaves nothing to the imagination and progress exactly as you would expect it to.

The ending, which is again obvious, especially if you have ever watched one of these sort of films before, feels both unbelievable but also incredibly Deus Ex Machina. If this wasn’t based on real life I would say it is far too convenient writing used to tie things up nicely.

Padalecki is fine as is the rest of the cast, but this film is by no means going to win any awards for its acting. Padalecki seemed to find it hard to change facial emotion for the entirety of the films runtime which is always a sign of either someone who doesn’t care and want to be there or someone who can’t act, I’ll let you decide which.

Overall, far too overly sentimental and cliched to pass average.

Pros.

It is watchable.

Chris Elliot

Cons.

It is cliched

It is overly sentimental

The ending is both blindingly obvious but also incredibly unrealistic

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Guess Who’s Coming To Christmas: A PureFlix Cast Off

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hard rocking singer, played by Drew Lachey, decides that what he actually needs to have a good Christmas is small town values and the love of Christ.

Is this a faith film? Was this in the PureFlix Christmas selection? Honestly, I have nothing against faith films but this was awful and had a terrible message. The daughter, played by MacKenzie Porter, doesn’t seem to have a will of her own in this film- it is either what the father wants for her or what the leading man wants. The two seem to treat the female lead as though she is a bag of rice to be controlled and bartered over and it’s quite off-putting. However, it does get worse as the wider faith elements that permeate almost all areas of this film just turn it into religious propaganda.

Lachey’s lead isn’t particularly likeable either as he goes from a sleaze to a patriarchal oppressor and that is supposed to be a good change for his character if you can believe it.

Honestly this film just feels like a PureFlix cast off.

Overall, a bad film with a message that becomes more and more off-putting the more you sit and think about it.

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It feels like a PureFlix cast off

The message is awful

The lead isn’t likeable

The ending sours the whole film

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Christmas With You: A Sleazey Christmas Message

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A famous singer, played by Andi Garcia, decides to spend Christmas with a fan, played by Deja Monique Cruz, whose TikTok video she likes, and whilst she is there she also decides to hook up with the fan’s dad, played by Freddie Prinze Jr.

Honestly, I just thought this was fairly boring, it wasn’t so bad it was good nor was it redeemable or even enjoyable in any way. As I approached the two thirds mark I was checking to see how long was left which highlights how much of a slog this film is to get through, it is really just aggressively average.

The worst thing about this film is just how little chemistry the two leads have, there is a moment in the final few minutes of the film where they have their big first kiss of the film and it couldn’t be more cold if they were trying for it.

Moreover, there is inherently something a bit icky about a star coming to spent time with her teen fan and then hooking up with her dad and becoming her new stepmother. I don’t know it struck a weird and not wanted chord with me.

Overall, a deeply meh Christmas film that you can easily give a miss.

Pros.

It is watchable

It does have some unintentional humour

It is nice to see Freddie Prinze Jr back on screens again

Cons.

It is boring and a slog to watch

The premise is a bit icky

The leads have no chemistry at all

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Falling For Christmas: Lohan Is Back

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hotel heiress, played by Lindsey Lohan, has her life turned upside down when she get short term amnesia and is nursed back to health at a ski lodge.

It is nice to see Lohan back, after being away for so long and dealing with so much, she definitely is the life and soul of this film making for a great female lead who is easy to warm to and whose evolution over the course of the film you can both feel and see on screen.

However, even she and her pretty good chemistry with her co-star Chord Overstreet, aren’t enough to save this film from all the hallmarks and cliches of these so bad there good Christmas films. Everything feels very formulaic and happens exactly as you would expect it when you would expect it to, there is no shock and nothing deviates from the trite script. This does takeaway from any potential stakes that the film might have as ultimately you know where this film is going at all times.

Another mark against this film comes from how long it spends talking about all the influencer stuff at the start of the film, it reads like a ninety year old talking about how the youth of today are and it is cringe as hell. Honestly the influencer character of Tad, played by George Young, makes the whole opening ten minutes of this film borderline unwatchable.

Overall, Lohan tries her best but the formulaic nature of this film holds it back.

Pros.

Lohan

The chemistry

Quite a few sweet moments

Cons.

Tad and all the influencer stuff

It is incredibly generic and formulaic

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