What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Summary

A documentary filmmaker, played by Lilly James, makes a film about her childhood friend’s, played by Shazad Latif, arranged marriage.

The romantic set-up in this film is incredibly obvious to the point where it crosses over into cliché, everyone knows going in that James’s character is going to fall for Latif’s that is part of the unspoken agreement of the film. However, what isn’t known is that this film is worlds away from other rom-coms such as Love Actually, Crazy Rich Asians, Boxing Day etc by the fact that it is not a comedy at all.

I would argue that this film is not a rom-com, more so a romantic drama film with a schmaltzy ending that tries to undo a lot of its more depressing aspects but doesn’t really come anywhere near close enough. This film is depressing at times manically so, and that really is its greatest fault. Whether it is Lilly James saying how all the Disney princesses were depressed, her incredibly toxic relationship with her mum, played by Emma Thompson, or the fact that the arranged marriage actually happens although you knowing the genre think it won’t, this film knows how to upset you. There were multiple moments in the film where I found myself wanting to leave as it was so depressing I was no longer having fun at the cinema.

I think the great bane of this film is that despite James and Latif giving reasonably serviceable performances this rom-com lacks any kind of warmth or charm at all and that makes the film off-putting.

Overall, this film does the one thing a rom-com never should do, be depressing.

1/5

Pros.

James and Latif try their best to save this film

Cons.

It is depressing

It is not by any means a fun watch

The ending feels like it is over compensating

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Maybe I Do: The Rom-Com Genre Is As Toxic As Ever

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another toxic rom-com in which a group of once loved actors trade away their remaining industry respect for an easy pay check.

Honestly this film has one of the most toxic plot lines I have ever seen. Emma Robert’s character thinks she can pressure her boyfriend, played by Luke Bracey, into marrying her by saying if he won’t then they will break up. What makes this more troubling is that her character’s mum, played by Diana Keaton, thinks that this is a totally fine thing to do as well. For what it is worth it is not a normal thing to do, you shouldn’t pressure your partner into doing what you want before they are ready and marriage isn’t the be all and end all that this film seems to think it is but hey.

Really you shouldn’t expect very much from a film that has such clunky lines of dialogue as this is my heart and this is my brain, whilst holding the character’s significant other’s hand over these areas. To say it is cringe is both an understatement and well as giving this film too much credit, the writing is just so subpar that it becomes impossibly not to notice bad.

Overall, avoid this at all costs and Michael Jacobs should probably never write anything ever again and hope that one day he lives down the shame of this film.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It has a bad message

It has deeply unlikeable characters

The romance is troublesome

It is tedious and generic

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Your Place Or Mine: If Only This Could Be What Life Was Like, Charmed Doesn’t Begin To Cover It

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Debbie, played by Reese Witherspoon, and Peter, played by Ashton Kutcher, have been friends for multiple decades but are only just now realising that they want to be with each other romantically.

In many senses this is a safe choice, it is a bog standard rom-com, nothing more nothing less. If that is enough for you then great, but don’t go in expecting anything that is going to change the game or be in any way remotely new or fresh.

I thought both Witherspoon and Kutcher brought a level of charm and warmth to their respective roles, but at the same time you would expect that from two such genre pros. In regard to their romantic chemistry on-screen, there were some sparks there and at times I found myself believing it, but it never really came alive and struck me as authentic.

As it is a rom-com we have to ask the age old question of is it sexist? The answer to that is yes, however, it is not the most sexist rom-com I have ever seen. I am of course referring to the fact that Kutcher’s Peter is a fairly well put together chap, if a recovering addict and a bit lonely, whereas Witherspoon’s character is a stereotypical overly involved mum who lives through her kid, Lord knows they can’t break away from genre archetypes and try and give her a more nuanced role. No, no as she is a woman she is stuck in the obsessive mother role, in the end she is seen trying to branch out to new horizons and work in publishing, however, this is with the implication that Kutcher’s Peter helped her calm down and stop worrying so much about her kid. Yikes.

Overall, pretty much exactly what you would expect from a rom-com both for good and for bad.

2.5/5

Pros.

Witherspoon and Kutcher both give good performances and have a little chemistry

It is fairly well paced

It is very watchable

Cons.

It is sexist

It is fairly forgettable and generic

Some of the side characters are barely characters at all

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Shotgun Wedding: Get Those Divorce Papers Ready

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Tom, played by Josh Duhamel, and Darcy, played by Jenifer Lopez, have their wedding taken over by terrorists and must work together to try and overcome them.

This is watchable yet entirely forgettable. Honestly, this kind of action comedy is nothing new and has been done many times before. Sadly, in the long history of newly weds teaming up to take down armed bad guys this film isn’t high up on the list.

The main reason for this is because of how tame it is. In almost every regard this film feels like it is holding back, be it in the gore and the violence, the swearing or even in the relationship drama. No couple I have ever met interacts like these two, the way they talk and generally just are around each other feels off and oddly formal at times. It would be an understatement to say that Lopez and Duhamel have no chemistry if anything I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes out over the next few years that the two of them hated each other whilst making this.

Overall, this is the sort of lazy film that reminds you that Hollywood, in this case Amazon, think they can just serve audiences with any old trash and that we will just happily consume it. Well I for one will spit out this rancid meal and will call out Amazon for this, consumers deserve better.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

It is tedious

It didn’t need to be made

It has no charm

It is horribly paced

The leads are both awful

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Sweet Home Alabama: Evangelist Propaganda

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A New York based fashion designer, played by Reece Witherspoon, travels back home to yes you guessed it Alabama to try and get divorced from her husband, played by Josh Lucas, so she can marry her new beau, played by Patrick Dempsey.

I put this on as it is February, the month of rom-coms, and after looking up non-toxic rom-coms I was fairly sure this was going to be a wholesome classic. Deary me how wrong I was, this film like many others in the genre is quite hard to watch and teaches some pretty bad lessons. These include but are not limited to, hey kids you should leave your life and dream job so you can move back to your home town and get with your ex, if you have a romantic moment as a child with one of your friends that means they are your soulmate forever, and finally when acting out it is perfectly okay to out your LGBTQ+ friend to everyone in town. That’s a big yikes.

Moreover, as the film progresses not only does Witherspoon’s character become more and more unlikeable, but also you begin to question why she is doing what she is doing. Clearly her and her ex have problems, clearly they are badly suited to each other yet they end up together because the film wants them to as it perpetuates myths. In many senses it is plain to see that Witherspoon’s character would have been better off with Dempsey’s character yet the film doesn’t allow that to happen as it would rather push the cliched destiny angle and suggest that women should stay with their exs because you never know they might change.

Overall, watchable yet fairly troubling.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few funny moments

Cons.

It has some really poor messages

Witherspoon’s character is fairly unlikable

The central romance of the film doesn’t work on a number of levels

It has pacing issues

Music And Lyrics: Deeply Out Of Tune

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A washed up musician, played by Hugh Grant, must team up with an aspiring but timid writer, played by Drew Barrymore, in order to write a song for a competition that could put him back on top.

For Hugh Grant this is as far away from his heyday in films written by Richard Curtis as you can get in terms of quality, though maybe Mickey Blue Eyes was worse. There is little to be excited about in this film as there is nothing new here, it is just Grant playing a role that we have seen him play before, that’s not exciting.

Whilst an argument can be made that Barrymore and Grant have good chemistry and that certainly helps the film, the sometimes quite incredibly toxic dialogue hurts it beyond repair. Grant’s character in this does not come off as one we want to root for but rather a bit of a tosser and that is amplified by the often quite corrosive statements made by the film.

For me the worst sin committed by this film is the pace which borders on tedious at times, it doesn’t go over but it comes damn close.

Overall, one of Grant’s weaker rom-coms and proof of why he needed to get out of the genre.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

Grant and Barrymore have good chemistry

Cons.

It has a toxic message

It has pacing problems

It is a weak rom-com in multiple senses

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The Noel Diary: A Strong Sense Of The Familiar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Justin Hartley plays a writer who must return to his childhood home and face the demons he has been running from as he clears out his dead mother’s possessions.

In terms of Christmas rom-coms this film is fairly bang average, there is nothing much to write about with it. The plot of a successful man returning home, confronting his past, making peace with it all the while falling in love with a local girl, played by Barrett Doss, is all very by the numbers for this sort of film. Again it seems like someone with a checklist is crossing off story beats as the film progresses, there is no element of surprise or the new here.

Hartly and Doss are fine, they are both serviceable enough but have neither the charm nor the chemistry to liven this film up. James Remar briefly lights up proceedings but he is barely in the film and after we have met him his absence is sorely felt.

Overall, serviceable but nothing more than that.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

Remar brings something to the film but is mostly underused

It is fairly short

Cons.

It is predictable and been there done that

It is poorly paced

It is boring

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Lady Chatterley’s Lover: Netflix Throws Another Book On The Bonfire

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another classic work of British literature is given the Netflix treatment and soiled.

Netflix and for that matter most non-British production studios just can’t ever seem to get right the very British sentiment behind these books, be it this or the works of Jane Austen, the themes and ideas that in many senses are timeless. So what do they do instead? They do what all hacks do they modernise, they take something timeless and they date it in the current year, they make yet another Bridgeton which some people like sure but that is also a million miles away from the spirit of the text.

The central romance, if you can call it that, is incredibly stunted and at times just plain awkward, it is fairly clear neither of the leads have any chemistry with the other, or even seem to like each other, and all of the forced romance scenes comes across as incredibly cold, emotionless and a little silly. I would say of the two Emma Corin has the far worse showing, with this and My Policeman really starting to make me question how they were ever able to get into acting in the first place as they clearly lack talent. A rich parent is probably the answer.

Overall, Netflix needs to realise that they can only push their Bridgeton esque pap so far.

1/5

Pros.

I’m struggling

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the spirit of the text at all

The romance is awkward and cringe

The leads have no chemistry

It is boring and a slog to watch

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Your Christmas Or Mine: Whoever Wrote This Doesn’t Understand England As Country Or How People Interact

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After parting at Christmas a young couple decide to surprise each other by getting onto the other’s train, but are then both surprised when the other isn’t there and has to spend Christmas with their families.

I found this film infuriating, the writing is so damn poor that any chance it ever had of being a new Christmas based rom-com to be remembered for years to come is quickly squandered in the first few minutes. The fact that it takes them a long time to even have the character explain the mix up to their other halves’ family and until that point just has them be a stranger in the household that no one questions is baffling.

Asa Butterfield does make for a likeable lead but the rest of the cast are either miscast, going through the motions or are non-entities, what is really shocking is how the film wastes some veteran performers as well.

The central romance is fairly weak and all the trials and tribulations the pair have to go through are nothing you haven’t seen done better before.

Overall, an incredibly poorly written Christmas rom-com.

Pros.

Butterfield is trying

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The writing is terrible

It wastes some great actors

The wider casting is all wrong

The pace is very much off

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Bones And All: Everything Wrong With Modern Cinema, A YA Film That Thinks Its High Art

0/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young cannibalistic couple travel the US together.

Please if you will listen to just one piece of advice from a stranger on the internet today let it be this, don’t watch this film. It is just a horrible time at the cinema as it imparts the message that life is just terrible and the only way out is by your own hand as everyone you love will disappoint you and those who don’t will be taken away. There is so much darkness in this film that there is just no need for it to exist, the world is already a dark place.

Moreover, the narrative is very smug and self-indulgent thinking itself to be high art when in actual fact it is more closely resembling angst ridden YA fare, this is certainly reflected in the paper thin central romance that feels like it was written by an emo on Tumblr. Worse yet the narrative is self-defeating as the central idea of the film is Maren, played by Taylor Russell, needs to find her place in the world, yet when she finally does at the end of the film it is then taken away and she has to do it all over again showing that there was no point to the whole film.

The film also greatly fetishizes the cannibalism and has it be akin to sex at times, which feels uncomfortable from the off and never really goes away. Speaking of the film has a sex scene between Timothee Chalamet’s Lee and another man and never really addresses it or speaks about it or allows Russell’s Maren to respond to it, it is a very odd inclusion which makes the central romance narrative seem off.

Finally, if this film is seen to be an indicator for upcoming acting talent then I might just hang up my reviewing now and bid farewell to cinema for good as both of the central performances are just awful. Taylor cannot emote for one single second and other than looking shocked once or twice has the same glazed over expression for the whole film and Chalamet plays a cliched wrapped up in an emo phase. When will the internet learn that Chalamet will never be a movie star like those of old because deep down everyone knows he can’t act and that once his legion of lust fans dry up so will his acting roles.

Overall, possibly the worst film of the year.

Pros.

None

Cons.

The film is manically depressing and an unpleasant watch from the outset

It has awful paced and is on for far longer than it needs to be

It is smug and seems to think of itself as high art when in actually it is a bad YA film

The acting is awful all round

It fetishizes cannibalism

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