Mr Harrigan’s Phone: Just What You Needed Some More Apple Product Placement

Summary

A teen, played by Jaeden Martell, communes with his recently deceased billionaire pal, played by Donald Sutherland, through a phone with not so surprising horrifying results.

Lets get one thing perfectly clear at the start of this review, this film is not a horror film. It doesn’t matter how the trailer makes it look, or how Netflix categorises it, it simply isn’t a horror film. There is nothing remotely scary about this film, yes the ghost kills two people that Martell’s character asks him to, that’s it, we never see the ghost, the kills happen fairly off screen, and the film can’t even seem to manage a jump scare. It is silly that this film is being put out there under the horror genre because it really doesn’t belong there, however, on this topic I have a theory as to why this is happening.

I believe that the reason this film is presented as a horror film is because if it was presented as what it is, a coming of age film, then a lot less people would have bothered checking it out, as I imagine the possible audience for coming of age fare is less than horror. Also Netflix needed this film to be a horror so that it would fit its pre Halloween line up. I think the saddest part of it is that this film isn’t even a very good coming of age film, when you compare it to something like Ladybird or The Edge Of Seventeen you see that this film is just the same festering and pungent teen cliches and tropes rewarmed and with a horror label to try and cover the creative rot.

The only good thing I have to say about it is that the few scenes with Donald Sutherland in them are good, Sutherland still has it and he puts everyone else in this film to shame.

Overall, yet another flop for Netflix, when will they ever learn the lessons of quality vs quantity.

1.5/5

Pros.

Donald Sutherland

An interesting premise that is quickly wasted

Cons.

It isn’t a horror film in any sense

As a coming of age film it is lazy and overly familiar

Martell is awful

It is tedious

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Teen Wolf The Movie: TV Magic Cannot Hold Up When Compared To The Cinematic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Teen Wolf is resurrected.

I will preface this review by saying when it was airing I was a massive Teen Wolf fan, the first few series were terrific and yes it did fall off quite a bit by the end but it still had its moments and I thought that the ending it had was fitting and meaningful. When I saw this film announced I was trepidatious, I didn’t think it needed to exist but then they said they were bringing back Alison, played by Crystal Reed, and my romantic heart was excited that her and Scott, played by Tyler Posey, could finally get their happy ending. Little did I know I was right on both accounts.

Fundamentally, the issue with this film is that it doesn’t need to and probably shouldn’t exist. It adds very little to the ending of the series, bar a tease at the end for a new series with younger characters. In many ways the film feels like it is bringing back everyone it can from the series and just throwing them at you to be like, remember this character how about this character, they even do this with the villain. It is a boon for the film that it brings back the best villain the show ever had and that does score it some points in my opinion, but again it doesn’t really do anything with them it just does it for the nostalgia.

It is good to have Reed back as Alison, but the issue here is that she doesn’t come back until a good ways into the film, and when she does she doesn’t do much at all. Again I question whether her return was more nostalgia baiting to try and lure fans back.

I do think the film is a lot worse off for not having Dylan O’Brien and Arden Cho return there absence is felt and in a sense the script for the film seems to be constantly bringing it up and being almost remorseful for their absence, it too wishing they were here.

Overall, in the end Scott and Alison did get their happy ending, but did we really need it? This film does nothing to move the franchise forward from where the series ended and instead feels like a highlights reel of all your favourite characters and monsters with some glaring omissions.

2.5/5

Pros.

I am torn on how they ended things with Derek, I both like it but also don’t

It is nice to see almost everyone again

It has some good moments

Cons.

The pace is awful

It doesn’t justify its existence

The TV esque effects really don’t work when things are supposed to be cinematic

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The Craft: Hormones And Magic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of teenage witches go to war after a new girl, played by Robin Tunney, enters their number and begins to clash with the power structure.

I think this film is in many senses a classic, and an underrated one at that. The tone is just right as it feels frightening at times and there definitely are proper horror moments here but there is also the teen aspect of it all and the coming of age stuff, which do blend well. The worry would be that the film would lean far too heavily into teen issues and be like a supernatural mean girls and lose its horror credentials, but in actuality the film manages to do both.

I think the performances are strong across the board, though I would say if I was forced to pick that Fairuza Balk probably gives the best performance as she plays Nancy with such maliciousness, but at the same times keeps her as a somewhat pitiable figure, at the end of the film we are both relieved that she is locked away, but also saddened by it. That speaks to the power of the performance that she is able to illicit two completely separate feelings from the audience.

I think the main issue with the film is how dated it feels and in the same breath how bad the CGI is, both do hold the film back to a degree and could have been done better, but hey it is still a hell of a lot better than the terrible sequel that we got in recent years.

Overall, a strong teen horror film.

4/5

Pros.

The horror

The teen issues angle

The performances

Balk specifically

Cons.

It feels incredibly dated and the CGI isn’t good

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Bones And All: Everything Wrong With Modern Cinema, A YA Film That Thinks Its High Art

0/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young cannibalistic couple travel the US together.

Please if you will listen to just one piece of advice from a stranger on the internet today let it be this, don’t watch this film. It is just a horrible time at the cinema as it imparts the message that life is just terrible and the only way out is by your own hand as everyone you love will disappoint you and those who don’t will be taken away. There is so much darkness in this film that there is just no need for it to exist, the world is already a dark place.

Moreover, the narrative is very smug and self-indulgent thinking itself to be high art when in actual fact it is more closely resembling angst ridden YA fare, this is certainly reflected in the paper thin central romance that feels like it was written by an emo on Tumblr. Worse yet the narrative is self-defeating as the central idea of the film is Maren, played by Taylor Russell, needs to find her place in the world, yet when she finally does at the end of the film it is then taken away and she has to do it all over again showing that there was no point to the whole film.

The film also greatly fetishizes the cannibalism and has it be akin to sex at times, which feels uncomfortable from the off and never really goes away. Speaking of the film has a sex scene between Timothee Chalamet’s Lee and another man and never really addresses it or speaks about it or allows Russell’s Maren to respond to it, it is a very odd inclusion which makes the central romance narrative seem off.

Finally, if this film is seen to be an indicator for upcoming acting talent then I might just hang up my reviewing now and bid farewell to cinema for good as both of the central performances are just awful. Taylor cannot emote for one single second and other than looking shocked once or twice has the same glazed over expression for the whole film and Chalamet plays a cliched wrapped up in an emo phase. When will the internet learn that Chalamet will never be a movie star like those of old because deep down everyone knows he can’t act and that once his legion of lust fans dry up so will his acting roles.

Overall, possibly the worst film of the year.

Pros.

None

Cons.

The film is manically depressing and an unpleasant watch from the outset

It has awful paced and is on for far longer than it needs to be

It is smug and seems to think of itself as high art when in actually it is a bad YA film

The acting is awful all round

It fetishizes cannibalism

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Jawbreaker: A Bargain Basement Heathers Knock Off

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A clique of bratty teenage girls accidentally kill one of their member, played by Charlotte Ayanna, and must try and cover it up.

I understand that this film was ‘inspired by’ Heathers but did it have to be so blatant in copying it, could they not have at least tried to come up with some new ideas and concepts? Maybe it is because I have not viewing this from a contemporary lens and am instead looking at it years later, but to me this film just seems played out and done better before.

None of the central trio are particularly easy to warm to or engaging, I found myself spending most of my time getting annoyed every time they opened their mouths. Truly nothing is worse than the teen mean girl trope, it is so lazy.

A mild pro I will give this film is that it was occasionally unintentionally funny, and that managed to at least to a very small extent lighten up the unpleasant and frankly tedious viewing experience.

Overall, I see that this film has developed a cult following, however to those people I say why choose a knock off version of Heathers.

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

It is watchable

Cons.

The lead trio are incredibly unlikeable

It feels like a weaker Heathers

It is tedious for a lot of the runtime

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iCarly: iBuild A Team

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Very much a filler episode that brought back Josh in a desperate attempt to bait audiences with nostalgia.

What more do I need to say about this episode? The a plot is a rivalry between Josh Peck’s Paul and Freddie, played by Nathen Kress, and the b plot is about Harper, played by Laci Mosley, losing her mojo and Spencer, played by Jerry Trainor, facing off against a food critic who is actually an art critic. My, my what delights.

The a plot has a few amusing quips from Carly, played by Miranda Cosgrove, but basically boils down to a cliché jealous love triangle, not in a romantic sense, and a vague excuse to bring back Cosgrove’s co-star from Drake and Josh which reeks of desperation; but hey at least it wasn’t the other one they brought back.

The b plot goes nowhere and does nothing interesting with Spencer or Harper, it basically just kills time until the end. Spencer’s silliness is again dialled up too high to try and make this subplot more interesting but it doesn’t move the needle.

Overall, a weak episode that is clearly filler.

Pros

Carly has a few amusing lines

It is fine to have on in the background whilst doing other things

Cons.

The gimmicky return of Josh Peck

The jealousy arc is cliched and dull

The b storyline feels like filler

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Metal Lords: Yet Another Film About High School Outcasts Forming A Band

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of high school outcasts form a metal band.

My, my the originality of this film is honestly a little shocking, I am being sarcastic if that wasn’t obvious. How many films before have had this exact same plot, I would find it very hard to say but I would say it is a very large number.

I understand D.B Weiss, yes one of the Game Of Thrones writers who you thought had faded away into infamy, wrote this based on his own personal high school experience but there is so little love or personality here that it just sort of fades into the shadow of other better films like Deathgasm.

Adrian Greensmith was well cast and does manage to give us a truly haunting performance of a deeply troubled young man who is lashing out at a world that has never shown him any kindness. He and an oddly perfect cameo from Joe Manganiello do help to make the film somewhat more enjoyable, however it simply isn’t enough.

Overall, this is the sort of film that will be promptly forgotten about 10 minutes after watching.

Pros.

Greensmith

Manganiello

Cons.

It is generic

It adds nothing new to the genre

Most of the cast are deeply milquetoast

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Tall Girl: Falling Short On Having Anything Interesting To Say

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another Netflix teen film with a terrible message.

This film is so vapid that it’s character can barely be called puddle deep. Clearly whoever wrote this film is not only widely out of touch, and doesn’t know how social media works and effects teens, but also has never met a teen girl before in their life, as the way the teens behave in this is barely even human.

Another thing that will annoy many about this film is the fact that though the central girl, played by Ava Michelle, has body confidence issues about her height it is just a small scale issue in the scheme of things. In a world were people are often bullied and beaten for their sexual orientation or skin colour, a narrative about a girl being sad because she is tall just comes off as privileged and again out of touch. I could give this film somewhat of a pass if it had something good to say about body confidence by the end of the film, but no the film instead gives out yet more toxic messages and then tries to wrap up.

Everything about this film sucks and honestly Netflix really needs to fire whoever runs their greenlighting process.

Overall, this is why everyone thinks Netflix only makes bad films.

Pros.

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

It has a bad message

It is irritating

All of the characters have clear privilege

It has no depth at all

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The Hottie And The Nottie: Perhaps The Most Toxic Film Ever Made

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Paris Hilton can’t act as such she never gets any acting roles, and the only ones she can get are when she just has to play herself an entitled ego maniac that thinks everyone wants to date her. That is very true here yet the film also revolves around her friend, played by Christine Larkin, who can’t get a date because she is ugly. As a whole the film is a toxic mess.

The obvious reason why this film is terrible is because it encourages people to be shallow. Yes, the ending goes in a different direction and has the shallow character grow, but that is after we have spent a whole film laughing at these character for being ugly. It teaches bad values and praises looking a certain way above all else, which is fairly twisted and fosters self-hatred.

Moreover, Hilton is a terrible romantic lead though I won’t belabour the point as I think everyone is already aware at this point that she can’t act. Her character in this film is so utterly up herself that I can’t see why any one would ever want to be with her. Perhaps being one of the most unlikeable rom-com protagonists ever.

Overall, a film constructed out of two things nepotism and putting people down based on how they look.

Pros.

It borders on so bad it is funny at times

Cons.

Its values and message

The characters are loathsome

It has a horrible pace

Paris Hilton can’t act

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Sex Appeal: Why Are The Kids Today So Damn Cringe?

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young overachiever, played by Mika Abdalla, must enlist the help of her friend Larson, played by Jake Short, in order to get herself ready for her first time with her long distance boyfriend.

If that doesn’t sound like one of the most generic premises you have ever heard, then honestly I am worried about you. I feel like I have seen about fifty other films with that same premise at least. I am getting so sick of this smart girl breaking bad narrative, it worked well in Booksmart it doesn’t mean you need to copy it relentlessly Hollywood. It is also reductive to the cause as it implies that women can’t be both smart and sexually liberated and adventurous, it has to be one or the other.

The young cast are all incredibly unlikeable, and push the boundaries of cringe honestly some of the things they say and do feel so cringey that I almost had to turn the film off. It feels several years out of date to say the least, now I don’t know any American teens so maybe they do carry on like this but dear God I hope not. It feels more likely to just be old executives thinking this is how teens act.

This film did not need to be made, the money used to construct it could have been used for one hundred superior projects or even just given to charity and it would have made the world better, this film enriches nothing and no one, showing the most desperate side of the industry.

Overall, it is depressing that this film was made.

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It is cringe

It isn’t funny

It is painfully derivative

It has no reason to exist

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