Cocaine Bear: Animal Abuse?

Summary

A bear does cocaine.

I had very low expectations going into this and to be frank with you it met them.

Now this isn’t the worst film I have ever seen by any means it was just incredibly dull and forgettable. If you compare it to another recent creature feature like Crawl or Beast then this film looks far worse by comparison.

The main reason for this is that the film doesn’t know what it wants to be between a goofy comedy and a grizzly creature feature. The tone is all over the place in one frame you will have the characters saying something dumb and goofy and then in the next the bear will be tearing off one of their arms, these two tones don’t go together well. There is no sense of tension or danger because the comedy ruins any chance of it and likewise the overly serious bear scenes take away from any kind of goofy charm the film could have.

Additionally, the characters are written to be so forgettable and shallow that really all they become is bear chow and the film wants you to see them that way not as people. I would say that Keri Russell and O’Shea Jackson Jr are trying to prop this film up with their sheer magnetisms alone but they are both clearly struggling to hold this film together. The Florida Project’s Brooklyn Prince has a strong showing as well but sadly the film just forgets about her for most of its runtime.

Overall, incredibly by the numbers but hey at least it isn’t as bad as Elizabeth Bank’s last directorial effort.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is better than Charlie’s Angels a small mercy

It is watchable

Russell and Jackson Jr are doing their best

Cons.

The tone is all wrong

A lot of the cast are wasted

The pacing is harsh even at a relatively short runtime

If you enjoyed this review, then please head over to my Patreon to support me, I offer personalized shoutouts, the ability for you to pick what I review next and full access to my Patreon exclusive game reviews. Check it out!

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Troll: A Very Norwegian Kaiju

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An unearthed Troll begins to cause havoc in Norway.

In many senses this is a monster movie, or perhaps even a kaiju movie, it is about a big creature going around wrecking things and causing lots of damage and then humans having to come up with a way to stop it. Maybe that is what I should have expected, but I was thinking this was going to follow more in line with something like Troll Hunter and be about Trolls and explore the Troll legends of Scandinavia, but not have it devolve into CGI destruction. I was disappointed with what I got in the end.

Moreover, this film is in a sense also quite comedic and I don’t really understand whether that was on purpose or entirely unintentional, as the film takes itself very seriously but every now and again there will be a line that is very silly and that you can’t help but laugh at, it is quite odd.

Additionally, I found the CGI of this film to be quite distracting for all the wrong reasons. Now I am not going to go after the film too harshly for this as though it has some Netflix money, it isn’t like it has a Hollywood style budget so a little shoddiness in the CGI department is to be expected, but this film really takes the cake. It frequently shows it’s CGI Troll and my word does it look fake and jarringly so.

Overall, another dumb monster rampage movie with sub-optimal CGI.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has an interesting premise

It is funny but I don’t know if that is intentional

Cons.

The oddness in humour and tone

The lackings in the CGI

It is dumb and squanders its premise

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Maneater: Making Sharknado Look Like An Oscar Worthy Affair

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A shark movie featuring the worst shark effects you will ever see in your life, even the clearly fake looking shark in Jaws from the 70s is better than this.

I will open this review by saying that I am a big Shane West fan, I grew up watching Nikita and later Salem and as such I will always turn up for something starring, or in this case co-starring West. However, though he may be the reason this film gets a 1 and not less, he certainly isn’t enough to make this film even barely watchable.

The shark attack/survival subgenre of horror is already incredibly overpopulated as such it is very hard for a shark film to be good or to standout, for positive reasons, from the rest. This film did stand out but for all the wrong reasons. Obviously as I have previously mentioned the incredibly poor effects on the shark that are almost laughably bad is the main reason, however also bad is the fact that this film looks like a made for TV Sharknado esque affair, but it doesn’t bring the tongue in cheek tone or charm of that film and instead decides to play it straight for the most part- to no one’s benefit.

I also really don’t care for the narrative structure of this film and how it decides to split focus between the main group of partiers under attack by the shark and then a grieving father, played by Trace Adkins, as he decides to hunt down the shark. I suppose the two threads to coreless in the end, but until this point it is a jarring back and forth between them.

Our lead of Jessie, played by Nicky Whelan, is aggressively average. She brings very little to the table beyond being a damsel in distress that doesn’t even really get any good licks in on the shark, instead needing to wait for the uber macho Harlan, Adkins, to come and save her. Something I will give this film credit for is the fact that it uses a cast of older actors rather than have it just be the genre’s standard collection of teens.

Overall, how not to do a Shark movie.

Pros.

Casting older actors

Shane West is trying his best

Cons.

The shark frequently looks terrible

It is boring and cliched

It is on for far too long

The lead performance is fairly reductive

!https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Sea Beast: An Underwater How To Train Your Dragon

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

In a world of Hunters and Sea Beasts, the two sides finally realise that the real evil in the world are corrupt monarchies that pit them against each other.

I thought that this was one of the best Netflix originals that I have seen in some time. I enjoyed the world and the characters tremendously and thought that it had a lot to say about life and about the current state of our own world. I also enjoyed the fact that every time Karl Urban spoke he reminded me of his character from The Boys, the accents are basically the same, that gave me some happy flashbacks.

The film as a whole has a strong How To Train Your Dragon’s vibe, with some plot elements feeling almost beat for beat the same. However, where in other instances I would lambast this film for its lack of creativity and originality I actually like the elements here on display despite the fact they are so obviously copied over. I thought that the sea beast that we meet are all quite memorable and cute looking; Netflix really should start selling more merch from their films and shows.

My issues with the film mainly come from a pacing perspective as I think this film could do with being about twenty minutes shorter as there is a lot of needless bloat wherein not much happens around the second act, which could be removed to the film’s betterment.

Overall, fun but not perfect.

Pros.

The ending

The sea beasts themselves

It is a lot of fun

Urban

Cons.

The pacing

It is very familiar

It doesn’t service all its characters and a lot of them remain undeveloped

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Piranha 3DD: How Many Sex Jokes Does It Take To Be Funny? This Film Never Found Out

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A film about objectifying women and then watching evil fish rip them apart.

Just from looking at a poster you know that this film knows who it is playing to…. Horny people going to get their titillation at the cinema, as well as those of us whose guilty pleasure is schlocky B movie esque horror. Both of whom will be slightly let down by this film.

In many ways this film tries to be tongue in cheek with its vulgar voyeuristic side, but struggles often to make its creepy camera angles feel in any way like self-satire or parody. In this vein the film is awash with poor female representation, despite having a female lead in Danielle Panabaker, it’s female characters are mostly given stereotypical roles and are ranked in importance under how they look more so than anything else.

Panabaker’s involvement with this is disappointing as she has proven from her other roles that she is a really talented actor, so here it feels as though she is slumming it. Yes, maybe she just wanted the cash, but it still saddens me to see her brought low like this.

Overall, self-referencing your own perviness does not somehow make it less bad.

Pros.

Some B movie esque charm to be found if you look deep enough.

Cons.

The poor female representation

It does nothing to distinguish itself from its predecessor

Panabaker deserves better

It has pacing issues

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Hotel Transylvania Transformania: This Film Needed Adam Sandler

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The monsters are back at it again, only now they have been turned human.

I thought this film was in danger when Adam Sandler and director Genndy Tartakovsky walked away. I know many like to malign Sandler, myself included, but he brought a lot of heart to the role of Dracula and though Brian Hull sounds like the character he can’t bring it to life in the way Sandler did. Yes, I am starting this review by saying the film is worse off for not featuring Sandler, what is the world coming to.

For those with small kids this film is just more of the same. In that you can know what to expect, if your kids liked the other three films it is likely they will like this one as well. However, if you or your kids are more discerning then this is easily the worst in the franchise. The jokes come off as far more bland and tame then they do in the other films, with not a one making me laugh. Adding to that the plot feels like a rehash of the Dracula/ Johnny, voiced by Andy Samberg, plot from the first film and sees the two at odds with one another only for them to come to like and understand each other by the end of the film. We’ve already been there and done that.

The actual transformation gimmick here is nothing impressive either it is mainly just used as set up for bad jokes and to make Dracula less capable and so able to see Johnny from a new light. It is a fairly lazy body swap approach.

Overall, a clear decline in the franchise, hopefully this will be the last one.

Pros.

Selina Gomez has far more time to shine here as Mavis

It is watchable

Cons.

It is lame

It is unfunny

The film needed Sandler and Tartakovsky

The dance number

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Jeepers Creepers: If You See A Body Being Thrown Down A Pipe Don’t Investigate It

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A brother, played by Justin Long, and sister, played by Gina Phillips, are terrorised by an otherworldly entity as they are driving home from university.

Before I get into this film I just want to address the director. Yes, I know that the director of this film is highly problematic for a number of reasons, if you don’t know them look them up, but I tried to push that out of my mind whilst watching this film and just enjoy it for what it was.

This film and its sequel have always had a special place in my heart, as I grew up watching them. Whether it was as a child or now these films have always managed to creep me out, there is just something about them. From the unnerving car chase to the misadventure down the drainage pipe and everything that comes after this film does a really good job in building tension and creating a terrifying atmosphere. It is nice to see a horror film that isn’t solely reliant on jump scares.

Moreover, as I have previously said in other posts the creature effects on the antagonist are incredibly good. The monster looks both demonic and alien as well as simply nightmare fuel. I also appreciated how this film never really went out of its way to explain the creature or what it is doing adding to the mystery and the tension.

My main gripe with the film really comes in the form of the dumb decisions the characters make. Yes, like in many other horror films the sibling duo here make all kinds of stupid mistakes over the course of the film, worse still the film even draws attention to them and makes fun of them for doing them saying things like how it would be a terrible decision if they were in a horror film. As I have said before calling out bad writing that is reliant on cliches doesn’t suddenly make it good, it just makes it fee lazy as you are admitting that you couldn’t be bothered to fix it.

Overall, this is an underrated horror gem.

Pros.

The creature

The tension

The atmosphere

The ending

Cons.

Dumb decision making

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Ebola Rex: Does What It Says On The Tin

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

This film will never win any awards, it will never be lauded, but it will entertain you for a little over an hour and provide you with some good, switch your brain off, trashy, fun.

The characters are all paper thin, but again you aren’t really watching this film for nuance or for rich meaningful character arcs, you are watching it to see a T-Rex with a deadly disease destroy things and just generally be a pain. In that regard there is plenty of b movie esque destruction and carnage, enough to easily pad the film out.

The pacing of the film generally works. I found that the film was starting to run out of steam by the end, and had it been any longer it would almost certainly have suffered from pacing issues, but as it stands it feels well balanced.

I think how much you enjoy this film will come down to how much you enjoy B movie monster films.

Overall, fun but nothing to write home about.

Pros.

Mindless fun destruction

B movie charm

Well-paced

Cons.

Paper thin characters

The gimmick gets old fast.

If you enjoyed this review, then please head over to my Patreon to support me, I offer personalized shoutouts, one on one Q and As, the ability for you to pick what I review next and full access to my Patreon exclusive game reviews. Check it out!

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Dawn Of The Beast: People Should Know By Now That Nothing Good Ever Happens In The Woods.

Written by Luke Barnes

Dawn Of The Beast is a horror film directed by Bruce Wemple. The plot sees a group of graduate students head out into the woods in search of Bigfoot, however, what they find is far more terrifying.

There is only one truly good horror film about Bigfoot and that is the Lost Coast Tapes, the rest of them are frequently terrible. I am pleased to say that though this film has issues, this falls into the category of good Bigfoot horror, and does provide a nice entry into the subgenre.

I think the creature design on both Bigfoot and the Wendigo is very well done, and though we only see brief amounts of them over the course of the film they do leave an impression and look suitably scary or perhaps monstrous.

In terms of scares, the film isn’t scary, it has a few tense sequences and attempts a few jump scares but to limited success.

The issues with this film are all structural and fundamental. The pacing in this film is way off and what is a relatively short film ends up feeling far longer to watch then it actually is- developing a bloat. Moreover, the acting from the human characters is incredibly weak: yes I understand that most wont be watching this to see how layered and well written the human characters are, rather instead to watch monster carnage, but it did impact on my viewing experience.

Overall, a good Bigfoot horror film that is brought down by several glaring issues.

Pros.

Using its monster well

The creature design

A few tense sequences

Cons.

The pacing

The acting

3.5/5

If you enjoyed this review, then please head over to my Patreon to support me, I offer personalized shoutouts and the ability for you to tell me what to review next. Check it out!

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Widows Point: The Type Of Film You Can Make At Home

Widows Point is a supernatural, mystery film directed by Gregory Lamberson. The plot sees an author (Craig Sheffer), become locked overnight in a haunted lighthouse as a promotional stunt for his new book. However, the longer he trapped inside the more he realises something isn’t right and soon he becomes the prey of supernatural forces.

This is a bizarre film. I am not simply referring to the end that literally comes out of nowhere, but rather the film as a whole. Midway through the film there were that many flashbacks and timelines going on I quickly became lost, there is something to be said for keeping you central narrative simplistic.
Moreover, the film as a whole looked very cheap. I don’t know quite what it was about it, yes it would have had a smaller budget but other films with small budgets don’t look like this, in many ways it looked incredibly amateurish; like the sort of thing you might see presented as a student film.

The acting is similarly as bad, and not for a single moment throughout are you convinced off what is supposedly happening on screen, acting or otherwise.

Overall, a very poor film that needed to be drastically reformed to be anything close to good.

Pros.

The wacky randomness of the monster just showing up at the end

Cons.

It makes no sense

The narrative is far too complicated and also doesn’t work

The acting is god awful

It looks cheap

1/5

Reviewed by Luke