Fifty Shades Of Grey: Porn For Old Ladies

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film that made middle aged ladies everywhere quiver.

Let’s get this out of the way straight off the bat, the way this film portrays relationships is deeply unhealthy and the message it prompts that this is a good relationship that the characters actively enjoy speaks to the wider toxicity of the film. No young woman should become essentially a slave to her boyfriend, it is wrong.

When this film came out a lot of people spoke about it as though it was the most titillating thing to ever exist, however, in reality having watched it for the first time recently years after it came out I find the film incredibly tame. Moreover, it goes without saying that if you are going to the cinema to get your giddy thrills whilst watching this film, there is a much easier and more effective way that you can do just from the comfort of your own home for free. This film feels far too clinical and scripted to every approach anything that could even be confused with sexy.

I think the biggest issue here is that the performances from both James Doran and Dakota Johnson are just so wooden and stiff that the film is essentially doomed from the outset. As this is a ‘romance film’, the strength of the feature lives or dies on the chemistry of the leads and in this case it dies, painfully.

Overall, I don’t see why this film was popular nor do I understand why it had sequels

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

Cons.

The message is toxic

It is not hot in any way

It is deeply cringe

The leads have no chemistry

If you enjoyed this review, then please head over to my Patreon to support me, I offer personalized shoutouts, the ability for you to pick what I review next and full access to my Patreon exclusive game reviews. Check it out!

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

American Horror Stories: Aura

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple’s life is turned upside down when their doorbell camera start allowing them to commune with the dead.

I actually think this was better than the first episode and am pleased to say that it shows a positive progression for this season of American Horror Stories. The premise has a lot of creepy potential that I think this episode explores well, tapping into that Black Mirror space surrounding the horrors of technology. The idea of someone showing up on your door camera and banging on the door when you are alone in the house only to seemingly disappear moments later is inherently unsettling.

The performances from both Gabourey Sidibe and Max Greenfield are both strong, with Greenfield particularly coming alive in the last ten minutes. I thought for sure this episode was going to end up with Sidibe’s character revealing to be her witch character from Coven, but it didn’t go there.

My main issue with this episode is that once it allowed the ghosts inside, which a lot of the first and second act of the episode built up to, the tension mostly went away as the ghosts didn’t do anything scary. The first bled from the eyes and collapsed the other killed one of the characters in a fairly generic way, this didn’t feel scary.

Overall, another good episode but still with some noticeable flaws.

Pros.

The performances

The premise

The ending

The horror of technology

Cons.

The ghosts feel like a let down

The twist is incredibly obvious

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

American Horror Stories: Dollhouse

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of women find themselves forced into a competition for who can be the best real life doll bride/mother.

After the frankly insulting ending of the last season of American Horror Stories I was a little remiss to watch this, however, it was better than I was expecting it to be.

Dolls are inherently creepy, porcelain ones more so, so the idea of women being kidnapped and forced to dress up as human dolls and do the bidding of a rich maniac is a chilling concept. I liked the ideas of the contest though I will admit it was very predictable in terms of the outcome, the plot amour was strong on this one.

Denis O’ Hare’s return is very welcome and he plays the crazed dollmaker well, being both darkly comedic and frightening in equal measure. The rest of the cast leave far more to be desired and fail to match O’ Hare. Additionally, in the closing moments of the episode wherein the witches were again brought back I thought the episode missed a huge opportunity by not having back any known faces leaving the reveal sorely lacking.

Overall, better than a lot of the episodes from last season giving me hope for this new season.

Pros.

It feels creepy

The doll theme works

O’Hare

Cons.

The ending

It is very predictable

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Joyride: Olivia Colman Massively Misjudged This One, The Height Of Toxicity

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Olivia Colman, who plans to give up her baby is kidnapped by a young runaway and apparently the whole ordeal forces her to change her mind.

This film is fairly toxic, the script clearly intends to heavily sink into issues surrounding motherhood and to ponder the nuances of it, however, instead that is not how it comes across in practice. The message this film has about motherhood in that the only reason Colman’s character wanted to give up her child was because she was having cold feet feels sexist. In truth if this film had been directed by a man this toxic simplification, coupled with the belief this film has that the woman who is giving up her baby should be kidnapped and have her mind changed over the course of a road trip, would have been labelled widely problematic and it would never have seen the light of day.

Moreover, though I like Olivia Colman as an actor and have followed her ever since the way back time of her Peep Show days, I think she needs to find a new schtick. Playing cold unnatural mothers becomes repetitive after you have done it several films on the trot and though some warmth does manage to find its way through here really it is just more of the same. I think unless Colman radically plays something different for her next role she is very much in danger of entering Jack Black, Michael Caine territory.

Overall, a misguided film that thinks it has far more to say then it actually does.

Pros.

It is fairly short

Cons.

The message of the film

It’s simplistic characterisation

Colman

The ending

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Under The Banner Of Heaven: True Detective This Is Not

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A murder in small town America, how fresh.

I know this series has got a lot of good reviews from other people and outlets but honestly I found this tedious to get through.

I think my issues with this show come from a mixture of the fact that each episode felt about 20 minutes too long and that I am incredibly checked out of the whole small town America murder plot and feel it has been done to death. Maybe it is because I am not American but to me this series just felt like many other crime shows and the plot was so generic that it could not keep me interested.

I think Andrew Garfield is one of the best actors working today but even he couldn’t prop this show up. Moreover, I would daresay that I think Garfield may have been miscast as his boyish looks didn’t really fit the kind of character he was playing.

Overall, this felt incredibly samey to me and didn’t have the right lead to keep me engaged throughout. By the midpoint of the series I really was just trying to finish it so I could give a complete review, I was otherwise checked out.

Pros.

Garfield is trying his best

It is well shot

Cons.

Garfield is miscast

It is badly paced

The mystery feels incredibly generic and samey

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Spiderhead: Chris Hemsworth Might Be The Next Anthony Hopkins

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Prisoners in a luxury prison are used as guineapigs for mind-altering pharmaceuticals.

It has been a long, long time since a Netflix original film has managed to impress me, however, this film managed to buck that trend.

I thought though the premise has been explored before, I enjoyed where this film took it. The twists and turns keep you guessing and it didn’t end up going in the way I was expecting it to. I thought Chris Hemsworth was a completely inspired villain, Hemsworth needs to take more of these sort of roles, he was not downright sinister but rather slightly unsettling and I thought he was very effective in the role.

Miles Teller on the other hand was a fairly forgettable lead and he wasn’t really able to blow me away in any significant way. Many other actors could have had that role and would probably have been better able to do more with it then what Teller can muster up. Comparing Hemsworth to Teller, really highlights the flaws in Teller’s performance.

Overall, a fun film with a good performance from Hemsworth.

Pros.

Hemsworth

The premise

The twists and turns

The ending

Cons

Teller

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Forgiven: Repentance At What Cost?

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hit and run in the mountains of Morocco changes a man’s’, played by Ralph Fiennes, life forever.

I think this film is quite odd and won’t be what a lot of people are expecting. The trailer for the film gives off somewhat of a thriller vibe, but it is far more meditative than that. This film touches on notions of greed and culture clash as well as the value of life, in many ways this is far more of a tense drama film than anything else.

Fiennes is terrific, as he often is, and is flanked by a sea of other talented faces with Jessica Chastain, Matt Smith and Saïd Taghmaoui also being outstanding. However, I think due to the vast cast some of the other performers are somewhat overlooked and not given much to do, which is a shame.

Widely, I really enjoyed the weighty themes of this film and the message it was trying to hammer home. Moreover, I thought the juxtaposition of extreme wealth as encapsulated by the party and extreme poverty as captured by the nomad village really spoke to society more broadly and certainly left you with something to think about.

Overall, not quite what was advertised, but something that is equal parts layered and smart.

Pros.

The subtext

The themes explored

The performances

The ending

Cons.

Some of the wider cast is wasted

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Midnight Man: Teenagers Are Dumb, My God They Are Dumb

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Some teens summon and otherworldly entity and it ends badly for them, you know the routine.

This is nothing new and certainly won’t set the world on fire, but it does manage to develop a fairly creepy atmosphere and land a few good scares during its runtime. Solidly watchable.

I think the big issue for me with this film is how formulaic it is, truly if you have ever seen a film like this before then you will be able to predict what happens when and even what characters will say, it takes no chances and does not bother trying to reinvent the format. Moreover, the film is quite clearly low budget, no shame in that of course, and as such doesn’t have the best visual effects. This could have easily handled and done in a way to maximise the scares and also leave us guessing, however, that is not what we get. Instead there are a lot of close us and drawn out sequences of this film’s creature that look straight out of a videogame from over a decade ago.

The big draw of this film is seeing horror icons Lin Shaye and Robert Englund interact together on screen and we do get that to a degree and they certainly both help this film from being even worse though I would say they are underused. The teens who are the film’s main focus are so dull and uninteresting that it is hard to feel anything for them as such you become detached from their struggle.

Overall, Shaye and Englund do their best to salvage this generic film and they do manage to make it watchable.

Pros.

Shaye

Englund

The atmosphere

Cons.

It is generic

It is predictable

The teen leads are instantly forgettable

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Wolverine: In The Footsteps Of The Greats

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman, head to Japan in order to tidy up a loose end from his past.

I think this is a perfectly fine film, certainly not on the same level as Logan or even X-Men Origins, in my controversial opinion, but a solid middle entry into the unofficial Wolverine trilogy. I think trying to adapt Frank Miller and Chris Claremont’s limited run wherein Wolverine fights the Yakuza and explores Japan’s underworld was both a ballsy move as well as one that was always doomed to end in heartbreak.

I think the major issue this film suffers from is though it explores some interesting concepts and scenarios, it pushes a lot of new characters and expects the audience to instantly care about them when in actuality they feel very little about them. This film could have benefited from at least having a few of the other X-Men pop up as this film ends up feeling isolated in a deeply negative way from the rest of the series.

Of course, despite these negatives the film still manages to get Wolverine right and has him be a badass through and through, of course this is helped along to no end by Hugh Jackman who gives it his all as always. Jackman’s Wolverine may be the best performance in a comic book film ever.

Overall, though this is still a cool Wolverine film, he feels a little bit too isolated and the film was fighting and uphill battle from the beginning trying to replicate the greatness of Miller and Claremont.

Pros.

It is very watchable

Jackman

The action lands well

Cons.

It feels too isolated from the wider X-Men film series

It is a poor adaptation

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Man Of Steel: Zack Snyder’s Moment Of Glory

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Snyderverse is born.

Perhaps it is because of my age, or because I grew up with the Nolan Dark Knight trilogy, but this always was the definitive Superman tale to me. I have seen some of the other takes on the character from further back but still when I think who or what is Superman I think of this film.

Now I am not saying this film is perfect, Zack Snyder’s trademark lack of subtlety does trip the film up to a degree and the heavy handed Christ comparisons do become a little tedious after a while. However, I think Snyder gets the broad strokes right, he understands the character of Kal-El and what drives him and that is clear throughout. Furthermore, no one does spectacle quite like Zack Snyder and whether that is the destruction of Krypton or the Oil refinery sequence he really adds quite a nice visual style and grandeur to the film.

In addition the performances across the board are also fantastic. Henry Cavill is magnificent in the lead and frankly the fact Warner Brothers aren’t foaming at the mouth to have him back for a sequel just shows how bad the management over there is. Amy Adams and Michael Shannon are also marvellous and worthy of being highlighted for their standout performances as well.

Overall, this is the definitive cinematic take on Superman for me.

Pros.

Cavill

The spectacle

It does the character justice

The ending

Cons.

The writing lacks subtlety

The religious analogies becoming trying quickly

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer