The Virtuoso: The Best Hitman Film We Have Ever Had

The Virtuoso

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

I wrote a tweet whilst watching this film in which I said something to the extent of this is the Hitman, as in the game, film that we never got. Though it has nothing to do with that IP beyond having a similar premise, it just feels so much in the spirit of those games, with a very similar aesthetic so it had to be mentioned.

I have been a fan of Anson Mount for some time, and I am glad to see him getting lead roles- he is very talented, and he really sells the character here. Whether it is the fake smiling scenes where the character forces himself to smile to blend in, or the scenes where he is having a breakdown for the collateral damage left in his wake Mount really pulls off the emotion in a convincing way.

Mount is perfectly matched by Abbie Cornish and Anthony Hopkins, who though feature less prominently both have significant characters that make an impression on you. I thought the monologue with Hopkin’s character when he was talking about committing a war crime during his days in Vietnam was particularly disturbing and well done.

I enjoyed both the action as well as the twists and turns of the plot, I think as an action thriller film this film excels. My one complaint would be the ending however, as I felt the betrayal came out of nowhere and I didn’t like how easily this expert assassin character was killed, it felt disappointing and more than a little cheap.

Overall, a very solid action film, well worth a watch.

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The Grey: A Wild And Savage Soul

The Grey

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

This film separates itself from the wider bulk of Liam Neeson’s work, by having a more soulful, philosophical edge- contemplating the human condition, and the reasons why we carry on. Yes, there is brutal action as well, as you would expect from a Neeson flick, but here it is done more thoughtfully. I think for the most part, the emotional themes and the action blend together well, however it does lead to a few pacing issues.

The pacing issues really come into effect in the film’s second act which starts to drag. This section really needed more action than it has and is the only real time where the weighty themes start to get in the way of the actual fight for survival.

I think as a character piece this works well, the struggle of Neeson’s lead is not only familiar but also deeply personal, many who have gone through a similar situation can understand and connect. Moreover, the final scene where Neeson’s character embraces his death and stands proud ready to fight the wolf pack that has been pursuing the band over the course of the film feels right, as well as earnt. The desperate futility of the situation is beautifully macabre

Overall, a surprisingly deep Neeson flick.

Pros.

Neeson

The character work

The ending

Cons.

The pacing

A slight clash between themes and what’s on screen

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Identity Thief: Jason Bateman Deserves Better

Identity Thief

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

This film reminds me of the worst output from Adam Sandler, it is boring, mean spirited and cheap. As I have said at length in other reviews, the joke of Melissa McCarthy being large is not funny, if anything it is offensive to those of that disposition. The jokes are equally as lazy and reek of desperate cliches and stereotypes thought of by people who long since realised they weren’t funny and didn’t know how to be anymore.

The Americans need to realise that being loud and obnoxious is not funny, repeating a joke over and over at a louder decibel does not make it funny- the rest of the world knows this, maybe its time to check your memos. The jokes in this film never really land, there might be the odd chuckle here or there but for the most part they are cheap and base.

Jason Bateman deserves better than this, I am glad to see after this film came out he moved on to better fare- he needs to cut the connection to McCarthy as it is starting to tarnish his good name. Bateman is the only reason this film gets the score it gets; he is the one saving grace.

Overall, yet more cheap comedy fare wherein McCarthy self-deprecates herself for some desperate laughs.

Pros.

Jason Bateman

Cons.

McCarthy

The fat jokes

The obnoxiousness of it

The plot goes nowhere, and you have seen it before

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Bright: Bad Boys With Orcs

Bright

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

I remember when this first came out and it was the talk of the town before quickly slipping into infamy. I gave it a miss as it didn’t appeal to me, then the other night I decided I would finally check it out and it mildly exceeded my low expectations- that is not to say this is a good film.

I won’t get into the Max Landis stuff, he is a creep, and his involvement tars proceedings, moreover his writing is probably the worst part of the film. The contrast of real world racism mixed with bizarre fantasy elements, sounds like an idea that won’t work and in execution it doesn’t. The incredibly on the nose metaphor becomes muddied as the fantasy elements clash.

Moreover, Will Smith is not trying here at all- he has long since given up trying and this film is further proof of that.

Overall, a horribly clashing mess

Pros.

Some of the fantasy elements work

The soundtrack is strong

Cons.

Will Smith

Max Landis

The mixing of racism metaphor and fantasy

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Jack And Jill: Did Anyone Find This Funny? Anyone?

Jack And Jill

0/5

Written by Luke Barnes

I have been a fan of Adam Sandler for years; I have defended many of his films that people think are frequently terrible. However, even I have a line and this film pushed me past it. The joke of the film, it repeats over and over again despite the fact it is not funny is, oh look its Adam Sandler in drag, ha ha. Now, if we unpack that before going any further, you can see how mean spirited and harmful this film really is, why should we laugh at a man in drag? Why is that supposed to be funny? The idea seems to be to laugh at and find humour in those different to you, which has been proven throughout history to be a hell of a bad thing, yet Sandler gets a pass because it is a dumb comedy film?

This surely has to be the lowest point of Sandler’s career, though never say never, as he proves himself to represent all the worst things about the film industry, and also to be out of touch with what people want to see in comedy films. Did anyone want this? Did anyone find this funny?

The rest of the cast who haunt this film are clearly only there for an easy pay day, and they get it but at what cost.

Overall, a terrible film that should be avoided.

Pros.

None.

Cons.

Laughing at people in drag

Adam Sandler

It isn’t funny

It is repetitive

Frankly it is irritating

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The Switch: Icky, Grim And Distributed By Disney

The Switch

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Romantic comedies have a strong tendency to be toxic, both in their characters and their messages this has both. Jason Bateman’s Wally, get jealous that his friend who he has a crush on is using another man’s sperm for her artificial impregnation, so he swaps out the baby batter with his own- and forgets to tell her. One could justify this icky behaviour by saying ‘oh he has amnesia because he is drunk’, but then even when he remembers he still doesn’t tell her right away. Wrong.

Is the character punished for his morally dubious actions, yes, but only briefly he still gets together with the girl at the end of the film, so it is okay to behave like the way he did? Trivialising if not justifying.

Both of the leads, Bateman and Jennifer Anniston have a lot of charm and are easy to root for, however, the very nature of the premise makes this almost impossible. The talents of the actors are ultimately wasted as you can’t get around the simply bad act.

Overall, what could have been a very promising romantic comedy is brought low by the plot and its warped morals.

Pros.

Anniston

Bateman

Cons.

The message

The fact that they end up together

Jeff Goldblum’s character is troublesome

Jakob’s Wife: Marital Problems With A Blood Red Tinge

Jakob’s Wife

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

This film really is a testament to what one actor can do for a film. There are many moments, especially early on in the film, before the film allows itself to have fun, whereby the film loses you and starts to drift off into a sea of mediocrity. However, the performance from Barbara Crampton as the titular wife Anne manages to keep this film above water and singlehandedly makes the film what it is.

To get into its stride this film has to divorce itself from the serious, that is the problem of the opening half an hour, the film takes itself far too seriously and tries to pass itself off as a drama- this doesn’t work. Cut to later in the film and Anne is licking blood off the floor, whilst trying to tell her husband it’s not her who is a vampire or evil and all you can do is laugh; this is far more engaging.

In terms of vampire scares this film is a nice mix of modern and classic vampire lore and scares and there are a few scenes between Anne and her master that could have been lifted from Dracula itself. I thought the idea of not having the master be out and out evil, yes they do a lot of evil things but there is also a need on the films part to get us to feel sorry for the character or to see their side, was interesting and it did add an element of moral ambiguity to the film that I think really helped to enhance Crampton’s performance.

Overall, a film made by Barbara Crampton.

Pros.

Crampton

The sympathetic Master character

Merging vampire lore

The comedic moments

Cons.

The first act is painfully slow and takes itself too seriously.

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We Broke Up: The Romantic Comedy Film For Swingers, Cuckolds And Anyone Else Of An Open Lifestyle

We Broke Up

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Why are romantic comedy films so toxic? Why can’t we just have one film without a needlessly nasty message? To wit in this feature the idea seems to be there is nothing hotter than your committed partner fooling around with someone else: as referenced by a scene where the supposedly broken up, but clearly not really, couple have a steamy session after the guy admits being unfaithful. What is this saying?

Moreover the leads, who are broken up for the purposes of the film and drama but are basically a couple; you know how it goes let’s pretend to still be a couple and then get back together at the end, are charmless and cliched. It is a shame as I like both the actors in other things, however here they just can’t do it for me, they have about as much believable chemistry together on screen as two paper cut outs would.

The ending is fairly predictable, and that is the case for the whole film. Though it is very watchable and not terribly bad, hence the 2, there is nothing new here it is the same old same old pumped out again to a vain and desperate effort to separate you from your money.

Overall, bland and disappointing.

Pros.

It is watchable

There are worse rom-coms out there.

Cons.

The leads have no chemistry

The cheating plot line

It is predictable and ultimately boring

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The Courier: Been Here Before

The Courier

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

I had heard good things about this film, prior to seeing it, and was looking forward to my chance to see it on VOD. However, when it arrived I was left perplexed, whilst it is by no means bad, it is in fact very serviceable for what it is in terms of setting and genre. Yet there is something of a formula to it, it is very predictable and samey and that raises wider questions about historical dramas as a whole- namely is the genre played out?

In historical drama films set during the Cold War the narrative tends to go one of two ways, either the character, with an assumed western perspective as most of these films focus on western characters, defects to the Soviet Union after growing disillusioned with their own government, or the character tries to break into/ commit some sort of mission behind Soviet lines and ends up getting captured- this film is the latter.

I understand that the film was based on real people and events so there is only so much they can do with it, but honestly we have seen this story before and as such know where it is going. Viewing the genre for what it is, I question if this film even needed to be made, yes the actual person this film is based on deserves to have their story told, but on the other hand this film has nothing new to say so what does it contribute to the medium?

Cumberbatch is as strong as ever and manages to anchor the film, quickly becoming the only reason to continue on. Jessie Buckley is strong too, but sadly she is only given a few thin scenes and is mostly wasted.

Overall, nothing you haven’t seen before.

Pros.

Cumberbatch

Buckley

Cons.

Wasting Buckley

The generic nature of the plot

It is ease to lose interest in

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Mortal Kombat: Cringe-ality

Mortal Kombat

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

A while ago I wrote that the images/ trailers we had seen from the new Mortal Kombat film looked like a fan film rather than a multi-million dollar Hollywood blockbuster, and now that I have seen the film I can say that this doesn’t just apply to the promo material but rather the whole film.

There is promise to be found here, the film clearly has a lot of love towards the games and tries to cram in as much as possible on that front. As well the film also boasts some quite well done fight scenes that are nice to look at, however the legendary fatalities of the games, that have inspired generations of shocked and outraged parents, here feel quite tame and almost gimmicky at times.

Moreover, the casting for a lot of the characters is off. I understand that the film doesn’t want to be a blatant copy of the games, but a lot of the characters here don’t look in any way similar to their game counter-parts sometimes to a distracting degree. It almost, to get back to that fan film angle, feels like a group of friends re-enacting their favourite scenes over one long weekend in early September.

Finally, and perhaps worst of all, the writing is far too try hardy and often falls into the category of cringe. Many of the classic lines from the games are featured here, but they do not feel organic to the story or the situation instead they feel forced in for the sake of fan service.

Overall, on the bad side of meh entertaining enough for a one off viewing, but it will be almost immediately forgotten afterwards.

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